so fucking done
i’m going for an hour run and have an hour dance lesson later tonight
breakfast: plain yogurt with a spoonful of bran flakes and a slice of melon (102)
a cup of coffee with a dash of skim milk (30)
i’ll eat an orange and half an apple during the day and eat as little dinner as possible
i wanted to get better. i did. but then everything became so real. and i saw all the weight i put on, i heard the doctor say that number out loud, it wasn’t a joke. and all my friends are mad at me, no one wants to talk to me, everyone avoids me at school, and i know that should motivate me to get better, but it makes everything worse, it makes me fucking hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself to fucking bits and i just want to stop eating until my heart stops because then i can be gone, and everyone will be so much happier afterwards because then i won’t be around to pout my mouth, bring the bad atmosphere, make everyone else feel shit
my best friend feels shit because of me, and shes frustrated and angry and i understand that, because i’m a fucking idiot and i should just be gone, i cant do it, i cant
how the fuck am i supposed to tell my parents who knows nothing, that i’m going out of my fucking mind, that i’m scared of myself, and that i need someone to save me from myself, i need help, but its just not that easy because i’m a fat fucking shit, a socially awkward miscreature who once was a happy carefree girl, and that girl is GONE, i’ve lost her, i’ve killed her, and now all thats left is a monster
i’m fat, i’m so fucking fat, i need to purge, i need to starve, and i need those laxatives, i can’t just eat, i just can’t
everything had just started looking brighter… now i’m back to this dark secluded hole that i’m all alone in, and i just keep falling further and further into this darkness
i just want to cry until i can’t breathe anymore
and i’m sitting in school writing this, trying to keep a straight face, when actually i just want to scream, scream so loud that all the windows will shatter
something has to happen.
i think i either have go to into some kind of treatment, or i’ll eventually freak out and kill myself. it’s like i can’t keep going on like this, but i don’t want to stop. i don’t want to fuck everything up, but i don’t want to be fat again. just the thought of it… it kills me.
but then what the fuck AM i supposed to do? i really feel the whole ‘i’m too fat to have an eating disorder’, because i really think that i am. I desperately want to lose more weight.
and when you purge daily, use laxatives daily, starve/binge, and cry all the fucking time.. then something must be wrong, i realise that. i’m just completely lost
i can’t find myself. nothing makes any sense
